Regret is one of the most complex and deeply personal emotions we experience. That nagging feeling arises when we reflect on past decisions and wonder how things might have turned out if we had chosen differently. Sometimes it is a whisper, a fleeting thought about a missed opportunity. Other times, it is a heavy weight, pressing down on the mind, replaying an event repeatedly. The emotional impact of regret can range from mild disappointment to profound sorrow, depending on how much we believe a different choice could have improved our lives.

At its core, regret is fueled by counterfactual thinking—imagining alternative outcomes and comparing them to reality (Roese & Summerville, 2005). When we engage in this mental time travel, we evaluate our past actions through what we know now, often with a heightened sense of clarity we did not have. This is why regret can feel so intense; it convinces us that we should have known better,  done something different, and avoided the mistake altogether. This emotional reaction, while painful, serves an evolutionary function. Regret helps us learn from past experiences and adjust our future behavior accordingly (Coricelli et al., 2007).

Regret is universal. No matter where we come from or our paths in life, we all experience it. Research has found that people across cultures report similar regret patterns, particularly in relationships, career choices, education, and moral decisions (Gilovich & Medvec, 1995). The difference lies in how we process and respond to it. Some people use regret as a tool for growth, taking lessons from their mistakes and using them to make better choices in the future. Others become stuck, ruminating on what could have been and allowing regret to erode their self-esteem and overall well-being. Chronic regret can contribute to anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness, making it difficult to move forward (Bauer et al., 2020).

However, regret does not have to be a prison. It has the potential to be a teacher, guiding us toward deeper self-awareness and personal growth. It challenges us to confront uncomfortable truths about ourselves—our fears, weaknesses, and desires—and decide whether we will allow the past to define us or use it as a stepping stone toward something better. By understanding why regret happens and learning how to navigate it healthily, we can transform this problematic emotion into a source of wisdom rather than suffering.

The Different Types of Regret

Regret is not a one-size-fits-all emotion. It comes in many forms, shaped by our choices, the opportunities we pass up, and the values we hold. Some regrets are fleeting, while others linger for years, shaping how we see ourselves and the world around us. Understanding the different types of regret can help us recognize their impact and find better ways to cope.

Action-Based Regret: The Things We Did

One of the most immediate forms of regret comes from actions we have taken—things we said, decisions we made, or risks we took that did not turn out how we hoped. This type of regret often brings embarrassment, guilt, or frustration. Maybe we made a poor financial decision that put us in a difficult situation, or perhaps we hurt someone with words spoken in anger. These regrets tend to be sharp and painful in the short term, but they also offer clear lessons. When we regret an action, we can often pinpoint what went wrong and work toward making amends or doing better in the future (Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007).

However, not all action-based regrets are easy to resolve. Some involve irreversible mistakes—decisions that changed our lives in ways we can never fully undo. Learning to process and accept regret becomes crucial for emotional well-being in these cases.

Inaction-Based Regret: The Things We Did not Do

Perhaps even more haunting than regretting our actions is regretting what we did not do. This type of regret tends to be more enduring, often surfacing years later when we reflect on missed opportunities. Research suggests that inaction-based regrets tend to last longer than action-based ones because they leave the possibility of what could have been(Gilovich & Medvec, 1995).

Not speaking up when we should have, avoiding risks out of fear, or passing up an opportunity that later proved life-changing—these regrets create an endless loop of "what if?" thinking. Unlike action-based regret, where we can often see a concrete mistake, inaction-based regret leaves us imagining multiple possibilities, making it challenging to gain closure.

Moral vs. Practical Regret: Values vs. Consequences

Another way to categorize regret is by considering whether it is rooted in morality or practicality. Moral regret stems from actions or inactions that conflict with our ethical beliefs or values. This could include cheating, lying, betraying someone’s trust, or failing to stand up for what we believe in. Moral regret can be particularly painful because it challenges our identity and integrity.

Practical regret, on the other hand, is tied to decisions that had tangible, real-world consequences—career choices, financial investments, educational paths, or even where we chose to live. These regrets are often linked to external outcomes rather than internal values. While moral regrets tend to evoke guilt and shame, practical regrets are more likely to trigger frustration or disappointment.

Interestingly, people are often more willing to make peace with practical regrets because they can rationalize them logically. Moral regrets, however, may require more profound emotional work, including self-forgiveness and personal growth.

Short-Term vs. Long-Term Regret: Why Some Fade While Others Linger

Not all regrets hold the same emotional weight over time. Short-term regrets revolve around minor mistakes like forgetting an important appointment, making an awkward conversation, or spending money on something we did not need. These regrets often fade quickly because they are situational and have little long-term impact.

Long-term regrets, however, tend to revolve around life-altering decisions or missed opportunities—choosing the wrong career path, staying in an unhealthy relationship for too long, or failing to pursue a lifelong dream. These regrets stick with us because they shape our narrative. They become part of how we define our past, and if left unresolved, they can lead to ongoing rumination and distress (Roese & Summerville, 2005).

The key difference between short-term and long-term regret is how much they integrate into our self-identity. Short-term regrets are often viewed as isolated incidents, while long-term regrets become deeply ingrained in how we see ourselves.

Understanding these types of regret helps us recognize which ones are worth reflecting on for personal growth and which need to be released. No matter the type, regret can potentially teach us valuable lessons—if we learn how to process it healthily.

Why We Hold Onto Regret

Regret has a way of lingering, sometimes far longer than we expect. Even when we try to move on, certain regrets seem to embed themselves in our minds, surfacing in quiet moments or influencing how we approach new decisions. Why does this happen? Why do some regrets fade while others refuse to let go? The answer lies in psychological patterns, personal tendencies, and societal influences shaping how we process past mistakes.

The Illusion of Control: Why We Believe We Should Have Done Things Differently

One of the biggest reasons we hold onto regret is the illusion of control. Looking back on past decisions, we often convince ourselves that we should have known better,  acted differently, or foreseen the outcome. This belief makes it difficult to let go because it places full responsibility on us, even when factors beyond our control may have played a role (Roese & Vohs, 2012).

Psychologists call this hindsight bias—the tendency to see past events as more predictable than they were. In the moment, we make choices based on the information available to us at that time. However, once the outcome is clear, it becomes easy to assume that a better choice was obvious. This distorted thinking keeps regret alive because it convinces us that we had more control over the situation than we did.

This illusion of control can be powerful when we have multiple choices and feel we have picked the "wrong" one. Career decisions, relationships, and financial choices often fall into this category because they involve uncertainty and long-term consequences. The brain naturally seeks to create meaning and causality, making us believe that if we had chosen differently, things would have turned out better (Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007).

The Role of Perfectionism and Self-Criticism in Amplifying Regret

For some, regret is an occasional emotion and a recurring mental loop. Perfectionists and highly self-critical individuals are especially prone to holding onto regret because they set unrealistically high standards for themselves. When they fall short of these standards, regret turns into self-blame, reinforcing a belief that they are not "good enough" (Shamekhi & Montgomery, 2019).

Perfectionism makes it challenging to accept that mistakes are a natural part of life. Instead of viewing regret as an opportunity for growth, perfectionists often see it as proof of personal failure. This can lead to rumination, a pattern of obsessively replaying past mistakes and dwelling on what could have been done differently (Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008).

Self-criticism adds another layer to regret, making it more emotionally charged. Instead of acknowledging that a decision led to an undesirable outcome, a self-critical person might internalize it, believing that they are fundamentally flawed. This is particularly common in situations involving moral regret, where people feel they have betrayed their values or hurt others.

How Cultural and Societal Expectations Influence Feelings of Regret

Regret is not experienced in isolation—it is shaped by the messages we receive from the world around us. Different cultures and societies place varying degrees of emphasis on success, personal responsibility, and what constitutes a "good" life. These expectations can make certain regrets feel heavier than others.

In individualistic cultures, where personal achievement and self-determination are highly valued, regret stems from career choices, financial decisions, and personal ambition (Savani et al., 2011). People may regret not pursuing a particular goal or making choices that led to perceived failure. The idea that "you are in control of your destiny" can intensify regret because it reinforces the belief that any negative outcome results from personal shortcomings.

In collectivist cultures, regret is more likely to be tied to relationships, social harmony, and obligations to family or community (Komiya et al., 2020). Failing to meet societal or familial expectations—such as not taking care of aging parents, not marrying at a certain age, or not following a traditional career path—can lead to deep feelings of regret. Because these regrets involve social belonging, they can be particularly painful and long-lasting.

Media and social narratives also shape how we process regret. Stories about "seizing the moment," "never giving up," or "following your dreams" create an unrealistic expectation that the right choice is always evident and achievable. When reality does not align with these ideals, regret can feel even more intense, as if we somehow failed to live up to an idealized version of ourselves.

Breaking Free from Regret’s Grip

Understanding why we hold onto regret is the first step toward letting it go. Recognizing the illusion of control, challenging perfectionistic tendencies, and critically examining societal expectations can help shift how we process past mistakes. While regret is a natural part of being human, it does not have to define our future.

The Hidden Benefits of Regret

egret is often seen as a painful and negative emotion, something to be avoided or suppressed. However, regret has a surprising upside—it can serve as an influential teacher. While it is natural to want to escape regret's discomfort, leaning into it with the right mindset can lead to meaningful growth, better decision-making, and even increased self-compassion.

How Regret Can Serve as a Learning Tool

At its core, regret is a signal—an emotional cue that tells us something about our values, priorities, or past decisions. When we feel regret, we care about the outcome, which alone can provide valuable insight. Studies have shown that people who constructively reflect on their regrets are more likely to make better choices in the future (Roese, 2019).

Regret forces us to engage in counterfactual thinking, which is imagining alternative outcomes—what could have happened if we had acted differently. While this can be distressing, it also helps us identify patterns in our decision-making and recognize areas where we might improve. For example, if someone regrets not taking a job opportunity, they may realize that they tend to avoid risks due to fear of failure. Recognizing this pattern can help them approach future opportunities with more courage and a different perspective.

Instead of seeing regret as something that holds us back, we can use it as a self-correcting mechanism to refine our choices moving forward.

The Motivation Behind "Constructive Regret"

Not all regret is destructive. Constructive regret pushes us to grow and improve rather than stay stuck in self-blame. It helps us acknowledge past mistakes without allowing them to define us. Research suggests that regret can motivate people to change their behaviors, develop resilience, and set new goals (Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007).

For example, someone who regrets not maintaining a close friendship may be motivated to reconnect with people in their life and prioritize relationships moving forward. Similarly, someone who regrets making poor financial decisions in their youth may take steps to educate themselves about money management and make wiser financial choices in the future.

The key difference between constructive and destructive regret is how we respond to it. When regret is approached with self-reflection rather than self-punishment can serve as a motivator rather than a burden. Instead of dwelling on the past, constructive regret helps us take meaningful action in the present.

Examples of How Regret Can Lead to Growth, Resilience, and Self-Compassion

1. Growth Through Reflection
   Some of the most transformative personal growth happens after periods of deep regret. People often make significant life changes after realizing they live in a way that doesn’t align with their true desires or values. For example, a person who regrets spending years in a career they dislike may decide to pivot toward something more fulfilling, even if it requires starting over.
2. Building Resilience
   Experiencing regret and learning from it strengthens emotional resilience. The ability to process difficult emotions and move forward shows psychological flexibility. A study by Bauer et al. (2020) found that people who actively reflect on their regrets and extract lessons from them are better equipped to handle future challenges. They develop a greater tolerance for discomfort and a deeper understanding of themselves.
3. Developing Self-Compassion
   Perhaps one of the most unexpected benefits of regret is that it can lead to greater self-compassion. When we acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, we learn to treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend in a similar situation. Research by Neff (2011) highlights that self-compassion helps people recover from negative emotions more quickly and reduces the likelihood of prolonged self-criticism.

Instead of seeing past mistakes as proof of failure, regret can be reframed as part of the learning process. Mistakes and missteps are inevitable, but they do not define us. When we accept that we were doing the best we could with the knowledge and circumstances we had at the time, we can release the grip of regret and move forward with greater ease.

Regret, when harnessed correctly, can be a catalyst for positive change. Rather than a weight that drags us down, it can serve as a reminder of our values, a motivator for better decision-making, and a path toward resilience and self-compassion.

Strategies to Move Forward

When left unchecked, regret can become a persistent emotional weight, keeping us stuck in the past and preventing us from fully engaging in the present. However, it does not have to be this way. There are ways to shift our perspective, manage our emotions, and take meaningful action to free ourselves from regret’s grip. By approaching regret with intentionality and self-compassion, we can transform it from a source of suffering into an opportunity for growth.

Reframing the Narrative: Turning Regret Into a Lesson Rather Than a Burden

One of the most powerful ways to move forward from regret is to reframe it—not as proof of personal failure, but as a valuable lesson. No matter how much we regret it, every decision provides insight into who we are, what we value, and what we want to do differently in the future.

Cognitive reframing involves shifting perspective from "I made a terrible mistake" to "That decision taught me something important." Research has shown that people who engage in adaptive self-reflection, rather than rumination, experience less emotional distress and more incredible personal growth following regretful experiences (Roese, 2019).

For example, someone who regrets not pursuing a particular career path can recognize that their current choices were made based on the information they had at the time. Instead of focusing on what is lost, they can explore ways to integrate that interest into their life now—perhaps through hobbies, further education, or a career shift. By shifting from regret to learning, we allow ourselves to grow rather than remain trapped in the past.

Self-Compassion Practices: Learning to Forgive Yourself

Many people struggle with regret because they are overly harsh on themselves. They replay past mistakes with relentless self-criticism, believing they "should have known better" or "should have done more." However, research on self-compassion shows that learning to be kind to ourselves in moments of regret can significantly reduce emotional distress and improve well-being (Neff, 2011).

Self-compassion involves three key elements:

1. Self-kindness – Treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding that you would offer to a friend who made a similar mistake.
2. Common humanity – Recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and experiences regret; you are not alone.
3. Mindfulness – Allowing yourself to acknowledge regret without being consumed by it.

Forgiving ourselves does not mean excusing poor choices; it means acknowledging them honestly while understanding that they do not define us. Self-compassion creates the emotional space needed to heal from regret and move forward with greater inner peace.

Cognitive Behavioral Techniques: Challenging Irrational Thoughts About Past Mistakes

Regret is often fueled by distorted thinking patterns—thoughts that exaggerate the significance of past mistakes or assume adverse outcomes that may not be true. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers several techniques to challenge these thought patterns and develop a more balanced perspective (Beck, 2011).

Some common cognitive distortions associated with regret include:

• Catastrophizing – Assuming that one mistake has ruined everything: "Because I made that choice, my entire future is ruined."
• Overgeneralization – Believing that a past failure defines all future outcomes: "I failed at this so that I will fail at everything."
• Personalization – Taking excessive responsibility for things beyond one’s control: "If only I had done something differently, everything would be better."

CBT techniques, such as thought challenging and evidence gathering, help individuals re-evaluate these beliefs. Instead of assuming that one mistake has permanently damaged their life, they can assess whether this belief is based on facts or emotions. This shift in thinking allows people to respond to regret in a more constructive and less emotionally overwhelming way.

Mindfulness & Acceptance: Letting Go of What Cannot Be Changed

Mindfulness teaches us to be present with our emotions without judgment. Rather than trying to push regret away or get lost in it, mindfulness helps us acknowledge regret without allowing it to define us.

Practicing acceptance means recognizing that the past cannot be changed, but our response to it can. Studies on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggest embracing difficult emotions rather than avoiding them leads to greater psychological flexibility and resilience (Hayes et al., 2006).

Mindfulness practices that help with regret include:

• Mindful breathing – Observing thoughts of regret without getting caught up in them.
• Self-compassion meditation – Focusing on self-kindness and letting go of self-blame.
• Gratitude reflection – Shifting attention to what is still possible rather than what was lost.

By adopting an attitude of acceptance, we learn to coexist with regret rather than be controlled by it.

Taking Action: How to Make Amends or Prevent Future Regrets

For some regrets, the best way to find closure is through action. If regret stems from a past mistake that can be corrected, making amends can be a powerful way to move forward. This might mean reaching out to someone we hurt, apologizing, or taking steps to repair a relationship. Even if direct amends are impossible, we can still make peace with our actions by committing to doing better in the future.

If regret is about a missed opportunity, taking proactive steps toward new opportunities can be empowering. Even if the original path is no longer available, alternatives often exist. Someone who regrets not traveling in their younger years may start by planning smaller trips now. Someone who regrets not pursuing a passion earlier in life can begin exploring it as a hobby. Taking small, intentional steps can prevent regret from turning into resignation.

For ongoing decision-making, we can ask ourselves:

• Will this decision align with my values?
• Am I making this choice out of fear or out of genuine preference?
• How will I feel about this choice in five years?

By approaching decisions with awareness and intention, we reduce the likelihood of future regret and gain greater confidence in our ability to navigate life’s uncertainties.

Moving Forward with a Lighter Heart

Regret is inevitable, but suffering over regret is not. By reframing the narrative, practicing self-compassion, challenging irrational thoughts, embracing mindfulness, and taking action, we can transform regret into a meaningful part of our personal growth. Instead of allowing it to weigh us down, we can use it as a tool for self-awareness, resilience, and better decision-making in the future.

Conclusion

Regret is an unavoidable part of life, but it does not have to be a source of suffering. Instead of viewing regret as a burden, we can recognize it as a signpost—an emotion that points to what matters to us and where we have opportunities to grow. We can transform regret from a painful memory into a valuable lesson through reflection, self-compassion, and intentional action.

It is easy to get stuck in the past, replaying what went wrong and imagining better alternatives. However, the truth is, regret does not define us—our response to it does. Growth comes from how we process and integrate regret into our lives, using it as a tool for wisdom rather than a source of self-punishment. By reframing our narrative, challenging irrational thoughts, and practicing acceptance, we can move forward with greater clarity and emotional freedom.

Everyone experiences regret. You are not alone in this. However, what matters most is what you choose to do with it. Consider how it can guide you forward rather than allowing regret to hold you back.

Take a moment to reflect on a past regret—big or small. Instead of dwelling on what you wish had been different, ask yourself: What small step can I take today to shift my mindset or make a positive change? Whether making amends, adjusting your perspective, or committing to a new opportunity, remember that the power to move forward is in your hands.

References

Bauer, D. J., King, K. M., & Francis, D. J. (2020). The emotional toll of regret: Cognitive and affective consequences of unresolved past decisions. Journal of Affective Disorders, 275, 55–63. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.jad.2020.03.025

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Coricelli, G., Dolan, R. J., & Sirigu, A. (2007). Brain, emotion, and decision making: The paradigmatic role of regret. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 11(6), 258-265. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.tics.2007.04.003

Gilovich, T., & Medvec, V. H. (1995). The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review, 102(2), 379-395. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.psrev.1995.102.2.379

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.brat.2006.44.1.001

Komiya, A., Kusumi, T., & Ohtsubo, Y. (2020). Cultural influences on regret and its psychological consequences. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 1453. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.fpsyg.2020.01453

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.sppc.2011.5.1.001

Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400-424. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.persps.2008.3.5.400

Roese, N. J. (2019). If only: Understanding counterfactual thinking. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 49–74. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.arp.2019.70.1.049

Roese, N. J., & Summerville, A. (2005). What we regret most... and why. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(9), 1273–1285. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.pspb.2005.31.9.1273

Roese, N. J., & Vohs, K. D. (2012). Hindsight bias. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 7(5), 411-426. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.persps.2012.7.5.411

Savani, K., Markus, H. R., & Conner, A. L. (2011). Let your guide be your gut? Individual differences in how intuitions shape decisions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(2), 350-366. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.jpsp.2011.101.2.350

Shamekhi, S., & Montgomery, C. A. (2019). The paradox of perfectionism: How striving for flawlessness amplifies regret. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 43(3), 561–573. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.ctr.2019.43.3.561

Zeelenberg, M., & Pieters, R. (2007). A theory of regret regulation 1.0. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 17(1), 3-18. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/j.jcps.2007.17.1.003