Emotional manipulation in relationships can be complex and challenging to recognize. 

Some manipulation tactics can be so subtle that you may constantly examine your behavior rather than the other person’s. Being on the receiving end of manipulation tactics in a relationship can impact your mental health. But by learning to identify the signs, you can protect yourself and act on the situation.

What’s manipulation in relationships?

Psychological manipulation often refers to words, omissions, and actions that attempt to control how another person feels, thinks, and behaves. This may affect their perspective of themselves, their relationship, and the world. 

Constant manipulation in relationships can affect your self-esteem and cause you to experience symptoms of anxiety or depression.

Manipulation isn’t exclusive to family and romantic relationships. It can also turn up in friendships and even work-related relationships. 

Manipulation can also happen on a large scale through media coverage, advertising, or political campaigns.

6 Signs of manipulation in a relationship

Several signs to look out for may indicate you’re experiencing manipulation in your relationship.

1. You try to ignore your gut

The first red flag may be that gut feeling that something isn’t right or that you persistently end up doing things you don’t want to. You may ignore this feeling and try to convince yourself that everything’s okay.

The phrase “trust your gut” is handy when you think you might be experiencing manipulation. 

For example, say you’re upset because it seems that your partner is always on their phone during your dates. You bring it up with them, but you notice that they get mad swiftly. 

The conversation then turns to how you seem to have ruined your particular date by causing an argument. So, you forget what you want to say and try to appease them instead. Meanwhile, your partner rechecks their phone.

“What just happened?” you ask yourself but brush it off because you don’t want to create more friction. 

2. You wonder if it is your fault

If you’re starting to doubt yourself and your motives, you may be on the receiving end of a manipulation tactic.

Maybe you were once confident in your ability to handle a particular situation, and now you’re beginning to question your capabilities. You may even ask whether you’re “the problem” in the relationship. 

For example, try telling your partner how you feel about spending so much time on their phone again. But they say you do it too and are always trying to find a reason to fight. 

You don’t feel this is the case, but after the third time you hear this argument, you wonder if the problem is that you’re not letting go of the small things. Maybe you could “chill” and enjoy the evening.

3. You feel guilty

A common sign that someone may be emotionally manipulating you may be that you’ve started to feel guilty or embarrassed for acting in specific ways in the relationship.

For example, you work two jobs and hardly have time for yourself. Then comes your first day off in months, and you decide to spend it at home, in your PJs, watching TV.

When you tell this to your mother, you notice she seems upset. When you ask her what’s wrong, she tells you she can’t believe you’re not coming to visit her on your day off. You suddenly feel so guilty that you end up spending your day helping her around her home. 

Although this scenario can play this way for many different reasons, it’s a red flag if you persistently feel guilty for not saying or doing what you want to. 

The manipulator is expressing displeasure about something you say or do, particularly when you attempt to establish boundaries. Then, you end up giving in to make the other person happy and relieve your guilt. 

4. Your sense of self is blurred

A common sign of manipulation in relationships is when you start losing a sense of whom you are after following someone else’s overt or covert demands to give up your opinions and interests. 

In some romantic couples, one partner may adopt the other person’s lifestyle and interests to avoid conflict, for example. 

It may be that your partner persistently avoids spending time with your friends and family or doing things that you enjoy. If you want to spend time with them, you seem to have to do what they want.

In family relationships, it may be that you don’t feel you can fully express who you are as a person and your life choices, and you may act differently when you’re around them.

5. You walk on eggshells 

Perhaps you think of fear as an intense emotion or reaction to a threat. But anxiety can manifest as hesitating to act or say certain things to avoid conflict or friction. 

You may not even be aware of how you feel—you automatically just automatically avoid specific topics or actions.

Some people may use anger as a manipulation tactic. Their outbursts can get others to back off or change their behavior to avoid the reaction.

You may see this dynamic when a parent warns their child not to do something, or the other parent may get mad.

As an adult, you may also become hyperaware of your behaviors or experience signs of anxiety without a clear trigger. You could think about every decision: "What will the other person do?” 

For example, you may want to go to your friend’s birthday party, but you know your partner doesn’t like them. The last time you spent with your friend, your partner didn’t speak to you for hours.

This time, you think twice before accepting the invitation, anticipating that you may have to deal with your partner’s displeasure if you do.

6. You begin to question your mental health

Not only can manipulation cause stress and anxiety, but it can also make you feel confused and insecure about your behaviors and emotions. 

You may wonder if your reactions are symptoms of mental health conditions.

Manipulation tactics like gaslighting are most often the cause of these feelings. 

For example, you’re discussing your next vacation with your partner, and they ask why you’re not considering Cancun. 

You remind them that when they visited last time, they said they had a terrible time. They reply, “I never said such a thing! You imagined it.”

You’re convinced they did complain several times and said they wouldn’t return to this place. But maybe you did imagine it? After all, according to your partner, it seems to happen to you often.

When someone constantly gaslights you, you start questioning your memory and well-being to the point that you’re unsure whether certain things happened. “Curiously” enough, it only seems to happen to you around this person.

What are manipulation tactics?

There are different types of manipulation. Three of the most common ones are: 

• Guilt induction. The person manipulating you may imply something negative has happened to you because of someone else, or they may play on your insecurities to make you feel guilty. This includes playing the victim. 
• Ingratiation. They may deliberately establish themselves in your good graces to get something from you or to get ahead.
• Deceit. They may be dishonest by misrepresenting or hiding the truth. 

But manipulation in relationships can also come in packages that may not be as straightforward or easy to identify.

Other manipulation techniques may include:

• Love-bombing. They may give you intense and persistent attention and affection to quickly create emotional interest and dependency.
• Gaslighting. They may dismiss you for making you doubt and question yourself.
• Passive-aggressive behavior. They might make sarcastic comments or jokes that can be later dismissed with “I was just joking” or “You take everything too personally.”
• Triangulation. They might bring another person into the mix to justify an opinion or make you feel insecure.
• Covert or overt threats. They may want to instill fear in you with specific comments or behaviors.
• Silent treatment. They may ignore you or cease talking to you as a form of emotional punishment.

Why do some people use manipulation tactics?

Not everyone who manipulates is aware they do. They may think that’s how relationships work or even believe you use them too, and they need to respond. 

Sometimes, they may be aware of their actions but not how they affect you.

Then, some play manipulation games, knowing fully what they’re doing and what impact these actions have on others. 

This doesn’t necessarily make them the “bad guy.” Instead, it may indicate that they’re living with a mental health condition that could require professional support.

Although research suggests that most people use some form of manipulation from time to time, people who use manipulative tactics regularly may have complex reasons for their need for control.

These reasons may include the following:

• A cluster B personality disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or histrionic personality disorder.
• They had been raised in a household where manipulation tactics were typically used.
• They fear losing control or being judged.
• I had poor communication skills that hampered my ability to communicate needs effectively.
• You are engaging in defense mechanisms.
• I have an anxious attachment style.

How to protect yourself

Identifying the signs of manipulation in relationships is the first step to protecting yourself. Here are some other precautions you can take:

Be aware of your emotions as you interact with someone

Try to pay attention to how you feel around this person. 

If you experience uncomfortable emotions like self-doubt, fear, or guilt, consider taking some time away from them to think clearly about what’s happening.

Keep the conversation on the topic.

People who use manipulation tactics often divert conversations off the subject. This could distract you from the real issue or further their goal of leading the interaction.

Remaining laser-focused on the topic can help prevent the conversation from going in their desired direction.

Establish boundaries

Unclear boundaries in relationships can make it easier for manipulation to occur. It can be helpful to identify the limitations you’d like to establish in this relationship and work towards implementing them.

Although it’s easier to establish boundaries early in a relationship, it’s never too late to consider gently yet firmly communicating what you will or won’t tolerate.

Can someone who uses manipulation tactics change?

Most people can change when they decide to do so and get the support they require. However, when someone’s not aware of their behaviors, or they don’t have the desire to change, this transition is less likely.

Therefore, focusing on yourself and what you want out of the relationship is essential. The rest may not be up to you.

Final Points

Although everyone occasionally uses manipulation tactics, some people use them persistently in relationships.

Some manipulation techniques may be harder to identify, but identifying them may help you stay protected and make decisions about your relationship.

Staying in a relationship where manipulation tactics are constantly used may significantly impact your confidence and mental health.

Change is possible, but it’s up to the other person to initiate it. It’s essential to focus on yourself first and devise ways to establish clear boundaries.

HOW TO OVERCOME GUILT AND REGRET WHEN SETTING BOUNDARIES

What is Guilt?

Guilt is an intense emotional reaction to a perceived failure to live up to one’s values or standards.

What’s interesting about guilt is that it’s not a “natural” feeling like anger or sadness. We must learn responsibility.

Psychologists say that children start feeling guilty between the ages of four and six, which is when our value system starts to develop.

All parents use a little bit of guilt from time to time to affect their child’s behavior. For example, a mother might say to her child: “It hurts my feelings when you speak to me this way. You don’t want me to be sad, do you?”

But some parents use guilt as the primary mode of communication. They manipulate their kids in a way that creates toxic guilt.

Healthy Guilt versus Toxic Guilt

All guilt is not created equal. There is a difference between healthy (or adaptive) guilt and toxic (or maladaptive) guilt.

Healthy guilt is when your conscience tells you you’ve done something wrong.

For example, you got mad and said harsh words to your spouse. The feeling of guilt tells you to acknowledge and rectify your behavior so your relationship doesn’t suffer.

Toxic guilt is when other people manipulate you with guilt or put their emotional baggage on you.

For example, your mother expects you to come to dinner on Sunday, and you aren’t able to make it. She then calls and berates you for being a bad daughter (son) and a selfish person who doesn’t care about family. You feel guilty, even though you had a good reason not to come.

Boundaries and Guilt

Have you ever been in this situation, you set a healthy boundary with someone and feel good about it for about five minutes, and then the guilt begins to set in. You start thinking about how the other person feels and whether you’ve upset them. Or maybe now they’re angry, and you’re regretting having said anything. If this is you, and you’re ready to overcome your guilt and regret when you set boundaries, then you’re in the right place. Today you’ll learn why you feel guilty and regretful and my three-step process to overcome guilt and regret when setting boundaries.

It’s essential to know our boundaries and to share them with others in a way that shows love, not fear. We don’t have to feel bad about it or make excuses or justifications. “No” is a complete sentence and can be said with a smile and a light heart.

But how do we get there? First, let’s examine why you’re feeling guilty and regretful, and then we’ll talk about how to fix it.

The Three Reasons Why You Feel Guilty When Setting Boundaries

1. Setting Boundaries is Selfish and Mean

You were taught either directly or indirectly that it’s selfish to put your own needs first. In other words, prioritizing yourself over others is just plain wrong. And, if you believe you’re a good person in the world (and who doesn’t want to believe that?), then you can’t be doing that!

You also might think it’s mean to set a boundary because of how others react. It’s the opposite. When we set loving boundaries, we stop feeling resentful, and it helps us feel more compassion for the people in our lives.

2. What Will They Think When I Set Boundaries?

You’re worried about what others will say about you. You might hate disappointing other people. When you say “no” to coming over to help on Sunday at your parent’s home, you can feel their disappointment, fee, and guilt saying how sorry you are over and over and explaining why you can’t make it. You need to justify in a big way because your needs should take precedence.

We’ll often hurt ourselves because we want others to like or approve of us or don’t want to deal with the backlash. Avoiding is no way to have a close relationship with anyone.

3. Will They Still Like Me After I Set Boundaries?

We learn boundaries from our families—limits on a continuum of thin to thick. We see enmeshment in families with too thin and narrow edges. You can’t tell where one person starts, and the other begins, so there are no boundaries. You’re expected to do whatever’s asked, no matter what. Edges end up feeling super uncomfortable and even scary.

When you draw a boundary in a more enmeshed family system, folks get very upset. You’ll hear things like:

• If you cared about me, you’d X.
• Mom is lonely. You need to call her every day. It’s not a big deal.
• It was your choice to get that new job. You shouldn’t miss family functions because of it.
• Wednesday night dinners are sacred. I can’t believe how selfish you’re being, saying you want to play soccer instead.

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says: “It’s also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. If we practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability.”

Why Setting Boundaries and Holding Boundaries is Important

Setting boundaries and holding them is the key to true emotional closeness and intimacy. When you don’t set or keep a limitation, you feel fear-based emotions like resentment, helplessness, hopelessness, rage, frustration, and exhaustion. You can’t build a healthy relationship on these feelings.

Also, when you don’t hold a boundary, you’re fake. You’re not showing the other person the true you. When you don’t say what you feel and need, you’re not speaking your truth and end up feeling disconnected and isolated. How is this helping your relationship? How is this genuinely serving this other person? You’re disconnecting from them!

The Three-Step Process to Overcoming Guilt and Regret When Setting Boundaries 

First, it will take a bit to stop feeling guilt and regret when you set boundaries. If you practice this process long enough, you’ll find that the feelings stop coming up, or when they do, they’re not as strong and don’t last as long, and you’re able to dispense with them efficiently.

Second, you must ensure you’re pushing and practicing loving detachment before starting this process.

The goal of this process is simple: move you from a fear-based emotion and reaction (anger, helplessness, guilt, regret, frustration, resignation, resentment) to a love-based emotion feeling (compassion, understanding, patience, love, kindness).

Step 1: Acknowledge How You Feel in the Moment When Setting Boundaries

Your best strategy is to be mindful by noticing that you’re feeling guilt, shame, or regret at the moment. If you know you need to set a boundary, you can set yourself up for success.

This is more challenging when a boundary is being tested. You first feel anger because this person knowingly or unknowingly pushes on your edge. Your job is to notice that anger because it is a vital warning sign that a boundary has been violated. You might be such a people pleaser that you don’t even see your feelings and just jump into action. You’ve become an expert at ignoring them. It’s essential to stop and acknowledge what’s going on emotionally within yourself at that moment.

Do this without judgment or impatience. Acknowledge the feeling and be with them for a moment.

Step 2: Focus on Empathy, not Sympathy.

When we feel sympathy for someone, for example, if our best friend’s dad dies, we feel sympathy for them. You get into action mode and think about what you can do to make things better or easier for your friend. You might call and check in every day. However, sympathy is not a healthy response when you've set boundaries. Instead, you want to focus on empathy. This means you have compassion and patience for the other person’s experience but, at the same time, refuse to take it on as yours.

Instead of thinking:

“What can I do to make this better?”

Shift your thought to:

“What can I think to make this better?”

Then take a breath, spend a minute shifting your thoughts about what’s happening, and come from that compassionate, empathetic place.

It can be easiest to have a mantra. Have a mantra ready, which will allow you to stop your fear-based reaction. The mantra needs to be easy for you to remember and something you believe. Here are some examples:

• Setting boundaries is kind and loving.
• Setting boundaries helps people see the real me.
• My boundaries are healthy and don’t need an explanation.
• I’m setting boundaries, not building walls.
• I have compassion at this moment for both of us.
• We’re all doing our best with the tools we have.
• I love this person, so I’m setting a boundary.
• Feelings aren’t facts. This guilt is an old belief. My new idea is that feeling compassion instead of resentment for this person is healthy.
• I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
• It’s not my responsibility to make anyone else comfortable. It’s only my responsibility to be kind to myself and others.

Step 3: Hold Your Ground with “Yes, and”

When you maintain your boundary from a place of love, you’ll feel different because you’ll get a different response, which helps you not feel guilty. When you don’t stop that initial fear response and react from a place of fear, you get into trouble with the other person’s reaction.

Do not do the following:

• Say you’re sorry — never apologize for setting and holding a boundary
• Argue
• Justify
• Explain
• Ask to be understood or ask for permission
• Say “but”

Instead, do respond in the following ways:

• I feel you’re disappointed that I won’t be coming with you, and I still need to stay home that day.
• It seems you’re angry that I can’t help on Saturday. I understand, give me a month’s notice in the future, and I’ll try my best to help.
• This is a worthy cause, and I’ve already earmarked my donation money for the year.
• I can’t plan the party, and I’m happy to be part of the clean-up crew that day.

Remember, you can’t control the other person’s reactions. Your job is to ensure you are kind, patient, and loving when you say what you need to enforce your boundaries.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GUILT-TRIPPING FROM A MANIPULATIVE PARENT

Inducing guilt, or “guilt-tripping,” is a common tactic used by manipulative people everywhere. Just because guilt is common doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Over time, guilt can seriously erode your mental and physical health. Manipulative parents are typically oblivious to the harm they cause. To them, guilt-tripping is an easy shortcut to getting their way.

How can you protect yourself from your parent’s emotionally abusive tactics and reduce the feelings of guilt? Before we discuss the specific rap coping strategies, we must understand the responsibility and why it has such a powerful grip on us.

Parental Guilt

How can you protect yourself from the poisonous effects of guilt and limit your parent’s influence on you?

It is not your fault you react to parents so strongly when they use guilt as a form of manipulation. Unfortunately, children are wired to care about what their parents think or say, even when they state otherwise.

You can do something about it, and I will share a three-step approach to dealing with guilt from a manipulative parent:

1. Identify the type of guilt you’re feeling
2. Reframe your beliefs
3. Release the guilt

1. Identify Which Type of Guilt You’re Feeling

Whenever you feel guilty, ask yourself, “is this healthy guilt?”

When you feel guilty, ask yourself whether it is beneficial or toxic guilt. Am I guilty because I’ve done something wrong or because someone wants me to feel this way?

Most of the time, the answer to that question will be clear. 

When you recognize that the guilt you’re feeling is toxic, reject that guilt. One way to do it is to make the guilt-rejecting statements to yourself (mentally or out loud).

For example:

• I leave the responsibility my parents are putting on me. 
• I am not responsible for their unhappiness or their problems. 
• It’s their choice to feel angry, frustrated, or disappointed. 
• I am not guilty of what shouldn’t have been my responsibility in the first place.

But recognizing and verbally rejecting guilt is rarely enough. By changing your beliefs, you must dig deeper and change your automatic guilt responses.

Guilt is a mindset:

• It’s not an objective reality; it’s what you choose to believe.
• Let go of guilt; you must change your beliefs.
• To do that, you first must identify your thoughts.

Most people go through their lives without questioning or confronting their beliefs. They live on “autopilot,” blindly emulating what they were taught. That’s why psychological and spiritual growth is essentially a process of unlearning.

2. The Technique to Reframe and Let Go of Guilt

You unearth irrational or outdated beliefs that rule your life and keep you chained to perpetual guilt through the process of cognitive restructuring.

Cognitive restructuring is a technique that comes from the cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) school of thought. CBT says that the way you think determines the way you feel. If you change how you think, you’ll change how you feel.

Here is a cognitive exercise to help you identify and restructure your beliefs.

For example, you’re dealing with much guilt. You’d like not to be crushed by guilt. Here’s what you do. Take a piece of paper and write out why you feel guilty.

For example, I feel guilty because:

• They’re my parents, and good sons/daughters don’t cut ties with their parents.
• They’ve done so much for me.
• The Bible says so.

Create at least five reasons you feel guilty. You can write as many as possible but identify at least five.

Next to each statement, write at least one counterstatement. These statements contradict the belief that’s fueling your guilt.

You may find this challenging because you’re not used to contradicting your deep-held beliefs. But you can do it because all these guilt beliefs are false.

These beliefs are anchors for your guilt. Find different anchors such as:

• Cutting ties with my parents doesn’t make me a bad son. It makes me someone who’s not willing to tolerate emotional abuse. It also makes me a good husband and father because I protect my family.
• All parents do a lot for their children. It’s the nature of parenthood. I don’t owe them because they’ve raised me. I’m doing the same for my children.

Every time you feel guilty, remember the statement that contradicts that feeling. Repeat this process; eventually, the contradictory statements will neutralize the guilt response.

Keep in mind that this technique is not a miraculous fix. It will probably take some time before your emotional brain catches up to your rational mind. Continue repeating and reinforcing your new beliefs until they become second nature.

3. Visualization to Release Toxic Guilt from a Parent

This following technique helps you release guilt from your body.

Turn off your devices. Sit or lie comfortably on the bed. Breathe in on a count of four, pause, then breathe out on a count of eight. Breathe like that for a few minutes or until you feel completely relaxed.

Then think about your parent. What do they make you feel guilty about? Think about that.

Now imagine your parent giving you a backpack full of stones. It’s so heavy you can barely pick it up. Yet they give it to you and tell you to put it on and carry it without ever taking it off.

(The guilt-tripping is likely giving you an unbearably heavy burden to carry.)

Now open the backpack and look at all those stones. Each one represents a “guilt message.” Try to identify what those stones are. What are the specific things your parents make you feel guilty about?

Now imagine holding a shining sword in your hand. Pick up a stone, throw it in the air, and strike it with your sword as if you were hitting a baseball with a bat.

As your sword touches the stone, it breaks it into a million pieces, and the pieces then turn to dust.

Think about the guilt message when you're about to strike the stone. Then hit it with all your strength! Put some force into it. Then see it break and disappear.

Try to envision it in every detail. How does it feel?

Keep doing it until you destroy every “stone” they’ve given you and empty your backpack.

Then thank your parents for the valuable lesson, wish them to heal, and slowly open your eyes.

Visualizations work incredibly well with emotions like guilt.

Final Thoughts on Manipulative Parent Guilt Trips

It feels frustrating and hurt if your parents habitually make you feel guilty whenever you don’t dance to their tune. This is not the behavior of a loving family.

Your best defense is to build emotional boundaries. Boundaries will make you stronger and wiser in the long run. They will help you protect your psychological resources and mental health, especially if your parent is an emotional vampire who uses guilt to drain your emotional energy.

Remember key points:

• You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
• Just because you’re the child doesn’t mean it’s your job to be the family fixer and take on the blame.
• Just because your parents raised you doesn’t mean they’re entitled to abuse you emotionally.
• You owe it to yourself and your immediate family to create distance or boundaries with your abusive family of origin.
• You’re doing the best you can in your circumstances.

There are many ways of dealing with guilt. But it comes down to how you respond to it on the inside. The critical decision you must make is, “do you accept the guilt and responsibility” or “do you reject it?”

When dealing with guilt-tripping parents, keep these simple rules in mind:

• Reject any toxic guilt your parents are throwing your way.
• Keep them at a distance.
• When they are around, have solid boundaries for them.
• Take a break if they’re not respecting your boundaries or wishes.
• Spend more time with your immediate family or good friends whom you can lean on for support.

Guilt only works effectively with caring people who have high levels of emotionality. Research shows that guilt-prone people are more trustworthy, proactive, and empathetic. If you react strongly to guilt, you have a conscience and care. That’s why your parents can manipulate you with guilt.

Try to have more patience and compassion for yourself. Start seeing yourself in a more positive light and associating with people who appreciate you for being your wonderful person. If you commit to loving and honoring yourself, eventually, your parent’s guilt trips won’t have the same effect on you.